Going through a very rough patch of ill health or misfortune takes its toll on you physically but even more so mentally. At times, when you have been ill or unwell you don’t have the time to stop and think about what you are thinking about and analyse it. You are generally unaware of whether your thoughts are positive or negative, and why would you want to think about this which may seem like an odd thought process. You just want to get through what you are going through. Whatever the illness, misfortune or negative events are, we want to get through them as quick as possible and move on.
Can you or have you looked back at such an event and pondered about it? Wondering why it took
possibly a more extended period of time to get better? Why it took so long to get over it? What took up the majority of your thoughts and why? And once you can answer these questions, I suggest the next question should be, how did you feel during this period, what emotions came to the surface?
Unfortunately, I have had such a journey which has lasted 4.5 years and only now am I coming out of this long tired and exhausting road. I look back and wonder and think about what I could have donebetter. The decisions and choices I made I question now. How I let events and people’s behaviours or lack of behaviours affect me. What state of mind was I in, should I have been stronger? I should have been tougher. Why didn’t I put on my bullet proof jacket and walk the streets of gunfire showing off and not been scared. How did I get caught up in feeling sorry for myself, giving up at times? What type of a person was I to consider on many occasions taking my own life? Yes, you read correctly, this man, the man who helps others in all forms of life from business, athletes, kids, mums and dads. I have even helped and assisted those whom I call my mentors and guides. I found himself truly wanting to end my life as I felt that, I had become nothing due to a physical health problem which expanded into a mental health crisis. A crisis, which each day slowly and insipidly took away from me one cell at a time, one small piece of hope at a time as I left another doctor’s or specialist appointment. As it took from me it generously gave me with all it’s might and blessing its gift to me, Pain was its gift to me. Day after day, week after week and year after year, it blessed me as the devil would bless you with more and more pain. Restricting me and hand cuffing me to a walking stick and a downward arch in my back like the harbour bridge looking down at Sydney harbour. Walking became a luxury, only able to see due to my hunch in my back leaning forward from pain my feet, a couple of feet in front of me and my beloved cane.
I did look at and had to look at myself and yes, I did this very exercise which I mention above. And to ensure that I did not sacrifice myself and judge myself to harshly, which easily I could do through my inner critic which at times has no mercy. I realised to get an honest accurate result I needed to approach this exercise in a different manner. To do this exercise in a very fair non overly critical manner and to try and come to a very realistic answer I approached this exercise in the third person. You see for me I use the third person a lot in all the times and situations which I evaluate myself, my actions, thoughts, behaviours and intentions.
Quite simple, the fair, honest and accurate result was that my thinking had become very toxic. My
physical health situation was deteriorating at an alarming rate. Even more so my mental health
overtook my physical deterioration rate, I had become so lost in making any rational choices that my judgement was almost non-existent. I found it hard to even look at myself in a mirror. I had let my mind, thoughts, feelings and emotions loose in a fun park and let them play. But they only took the rides which caused me mental distress. No thoughts of positive action they only dwelled on the bad news that I received from any visit to a doctor, specialist and every visit to a hospital in an ambulance or by my oldest son carrying me.
What I described to you as my thoughts, feelings and emotions are an understatement compared to the real intensity within me. I had become lost to a very dark and ugly place.
I am not one to preach positive thinking and all it comes with it. What I did find for myself was that I was the instigator of much more pain than what I was in and this was due to my inner thinking. I got caught up IN THE STORY which I had taught myself and created for myself. I took on board all the doom and gloom of all the doctors and amplified my state. I was in a heightened state of fight or flight. I ate up all the bad news and gobbled it up like a hungry man who hadn’t been fed for weeks. I had become part of the problem.|
It was not until I did this exercise and I was able to see me for who I really was and who I had
become that I could start to re-train and re-condition my thinking to be more patient, loving, caring
and accepting of my situation for what it was. The physical pain did not all of a sudden disappear,
hell no. There was no instant magic and change of life where I became at peace with myself, made a million dollars and drove a Ferrari as would so many so-called life coaches claim they can do.
Nothing even remotely close to this happened. The self-inflicted mental anguish and dwelling on
ugly thoughts began easing up. Just like a person who wants to go to the gym and get fit, they do not go to the gym and get fit in a day or week or month. It’s a process. An ever so slow but steady
process with rewards. My process to a NEW STORY, a story which I want for my life has started.
Our thoughts are so powerful that we can have thoughts about thoughts. There is enough in this
world and our lives which we cannot deal with. Be aware of your thoughts and thinking, ask yourself
a very simple question which will save you a lot of grief and anguish.
IS WHAT I AM THINKING SERVING ME.